Live Whiskey-Blogging the President's News Conference:
It's always a pleasant surprise when a president schedules a morning news conference. That means it's time to add some whiskey to the cup of joe and have an Irish coffee start to the day. This new Keurig the Rude Pundit got for Christmas is awesome because it leaves plenty of room in the mug for some Knob Creek Small Batch, a whiskey that's usually too good to dilute, but, hey, Wolf Blitzer keeps staring at me with his dead eyes and telling me that President Obama is having the last presser of his first term, a fairly meaningless thing, but, well, shit, it's worthy enough of celebration. (All quotes guaranteed to be wrong in words, right in spirit.)

11:39: And we're off to the races. Obama says that we've got shit to do and we can do it if Republicans stop being such mind-boggling cocks about it.

11:40: He says, "I've got a plan. Remember the last year? The election? The thing people voted for me over the other guy by 5 million votes?"

11:41: Throws down the deficit reduction street cred. "Suck on my budget cuts."

11:42: Says we need to "spur more growth in the short term." Is unclear about whether that means infrastructure spending or what's also known as "pork" to idiots.

11:44: "The debt ceiling is not a question of authorizing more spending;" it's about paying bills already racked up, he explains. Right-wing bloggers immediately tweet that it's about authorizing more spending. Right-wing blog readers immediately believe the lie rather than the truth.

11:46: Says that Republicans in Congress have two choice: act responsibly or act irresponsibly. Does Obama remember the legion of dolts, crazies, and charlatans who make up the Republicans in Congress?

11:47: C'mon, take the trillion dollar coin out your pocket.

11:48: First question: Gun violence, Newtown, assault weapons ban, gonna do that?, gonna do other things?

11:50: Obama punts. Says there's shit he believes, but he doesn't think he'll get all of them, which means that an assault weapons ban is not gonna happen.

11:51: Chuckles the Todd asking about executive action on the debt ceiling.

11:52: Obama: "We are not a deadbeat nation." Ah, but we are a nation of deadbeats, are we not?

11:55: Does Obama understand that he needs to do something that's out there in order to catalyze a real debate on the debt ceiling? The right response on the debt ceiling is to say that the assholes in the GOP are hurting the country and he won't let that happen, so fuck them, let's go 14th Amendment or coin or something. Let 'em take him to court. Let 'em try to impeach. It's bullshit to say that it's up to Congress and believe that Republicans will do "the right thing" when they think the right thing is to fuck up the economy.

11:59: If Obama believes the debt ceiling debate is a hostage situation, then he needs to get on the phone to Boehner and say, "I have a particular set of skills..."

12:01: Obama kills the not-paying-the-check metaphor by taking it a scenario too far.

12:03: "The debt ceiling has never been used in this fashion," Obama says. "It's like Republicans figured out another hole to fuck and now are insisting on fucking that hole even if you tell 'em to stop."

12:04: Can someone tell Obama that if he says, "We're not gonna blow up the economy," but has no threat behind it, it's an empty assertion?

12:05: Irish coffee number two is even tastier than Irish coffee number one. The touch of Bailey's helps. Hello, afternoon.

12:07: Another gun question, this related to assholes buying more guns because they think Obama will send cut black men to take away the assholes' guns.

12:08: "What executive action can he take?" You know, for a dude who thinks he has the power to stone cold murder the fuck out of Americans overseas on his whim, Obama's unusually reticent to use executive power to accomplish domestic goals.

12:10: Is he starting to fall asleep talking about guns?

12:11: On gun sales, Obama says, more or less, "Assholes will be assholes."

12:12: Ooh, shee-it. Julianna Goldman from Bloomberg asks why we should believe Obama when he's caved so many other times.

12:15: Obama says he's sick of "negotiating through crisis" all the time. So is he ready to kick the asses of the "small group of Republicans" who keep forcing him to do that? Will he really not cave?

12:16: He is laying the debt ceiling crisis completely at the Republicans' feet. It'll be interesting to hear Boehner simper about not getting cooperation from the president.

12:19: Dear reporters, there are other things going on in the world other than guns and debt. Syria? Jobs? Hagel? Climate change? (No, that last one's a joke - nobody gives a shit about that.)

12:20: The interesting thing, though, is that the more he's pushed on the debt ceiling, the more he gets pissy about Republicans.

12:21: Obama says Republicans don't give a shit about starving kids or sick grannies. And the American people said they do by reelecting him.

12:23: If you want to lower the deficit and debt, the Congress "has a partner in me," says Obama, unconsciously agreeing to a same-sex marriage.

12:24: Question about Obama's insularity and diversity in his cabinet. Bizarrely, reporter says criticism is that he doesn't get out and "socialize." Bullshit question, will get a bullshit answer.

12:25: Obama says he has women friends (and lists all of the ways in which he has appointed women to various positions). It's more or less, "Shut the fuck up."

12:27: "I'm a pretty friendly guy...and I like a good party," says Obama. Oh, yeah, but nothing like William Howard Taft, who liked a good naked party.

12:28: "I like Speaker Boehner personally," Obama says, marking the first time anyone ever has said that.

12:30: This answer is getting sad as he talks about being "lonely in this big house" and inviting GOP House members over. Michelle gently cries behind the curtain.

12:32: Aaaand we're done. What did we learn? That Vice President Biden will make some recommendations on guns and that Obama won't negotiate on the debt ceiling.

In other words, that was more useless than this empty mug on the coffee table.