Hispanic Republicans to White Republicans: You Can Still Be Jerks, Just Not Such Big Jerks:
As we move towards the inevitable watered-down version of immigration reform that will contain just enough good stuff to make it worthwhile, but still be condemned on the right and the left as overly compromised, one thing is absolutely clear: non-Hispanic Republicans really need to stop acting like such assholes towards non-white immigrants or they'll never get the anchor babies to vote for 'em. Thankfully, here to offer guidance is the Hispanic Leadership Network, a "center-right" group that has on its advisory committee former Attorney General and torture enabler Alberto Gonzales, as well as current politicians and elected officials. Yep, the HLN has put out a memo to Republicans in Congress on that most important issue in immigration reform: the words that are used.

For instance, the Hispanics on the Hispanic Leadership Council advise the gringo/as that, when doing an interview on immigration reform, don't say "We are against amnesty," even if you are against amnesty. Why? Because peoples is just stupid motherfuckers: "Note," the HLN notes. "Most everyone is against amnesty and this is interpreted as being against any reform." See? Even if "everyone" is against it, it'll still send them into simian rage and cause them to want to vote you out if you say you're anti-amnesty.

Isn't this easy and fun? You can still be a total dickhead. Just don't sound like a total dickhead.

Another example: "When addressing securing our borders," the HLN sternly says, "Do use the wording 'enforcement of our borders includes more border patrol, technology, and building a fence where it makes sense.'" However, "Don't use phrases like 'send them all back,' electric fence,' 'build a wall along the entire border.'" And there's probably few circumstances where "moat filled with alligators that'll rape your ass before eating your face" would be appropriate, too. Also, do we even need to say anything about the stupidity of "self-deport"? It's not mentioned, so it's already dropped out of the lexicon of dickishness.

Some of this is gonna be really hard for the GOP as the immigration reform debate actually moves into a sane, post-election period. Don't say "illegals"? Don't say "aliens"? Don't say, dear God, no, "anchor baby"? Shit, Rep. Steve "The More Vile of the Kings in the House" King of Iowa used the phrase in press release a couple of weeks ago. And you're gonna have to pry the word "illegal" out of Rep. Lamar Smith's cold, dead mouth. A confused Marco Rubio wept.

It's kind of hilarious, no? How Republicans spent the better part of the last four years demonizing undocumented immigrants as subhuman drains on society, job thieves, and criminals, only to see their white asses handed to them at the polls? And now some of them have finally come around to thinking, "Oh, hey, I guess we need to throw a few bones to the spics"? And even those bones are pissing off a good many in the right-right of the GOP and causing Rush Limbaugh to undulate in anger? And do they think that Hispanics are so narrow-minded that all they give a shit about is immigration and not the other blatant cruelty of the Republican Party?

The best part of the memo is when the HLN gets all self-loathing and tells Republicans that they need to lock ol' crazy liberal Ronald Reagan in the cellar: "Don't use President Reagan's immigration reform as an example applicable today," it says, because it was way too compassionate for today's GOP. "That legislation was true amnesty; in addition, border security, fixing our visa system, and a temporary worker program were parts of the reform which were never implemented."

You wouldn't want to remind Hispanic voters that, once upon a time, Republicans weren't complete jerks. Now gnaw on these bones and say they're a meal.

One last one: Apparently, whites in the GOP need to be given strict instructions on how not to be racist pricks. Memos the HLN, "Don't characterize all Hispanics as undocumented and all undocumented as Hispanics." Louis Gohmert just stared at his computer screen, confused as he tried to figure out what that meant. His staff said he was still there, two days later, muttering, "It don' make sense. It jus' don' make sense."