Hatch Fears a Stiffing and Other Things Going on During the Immigration Bill Debate:
Yesterday, on the floor of his august body, Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah revealed to everyone his greatest fear. "I don’t want to be stiffed at this time," said the Republican, "and I’m not the kind of guy who takes stiffing lightly." Now it may seem as if he was talking about the inconvenience of receiving anal pleasure from Harry Reid's hairy reed in the cloakroom while all the other Senators were listening, but it appears he was directing his serious disputation about stiffing towards the Democrats in general as regards voting procedures on the amendments to the immigration bill being debated right now.

See, Hatch is wary that Majority Leader Reid is going to tell the Republicans to go fuck themselves with their inhumane amendments to a bill that already carries an incredibly onerous path to citizenship. Those amendments include such enhancements to the legislation as Hatch's requiring "undocumented immigrants to pay back taxes for every year they have been in the country illegally," which would mean that people who earn cash from employers would be forced to come up with thousands of dollars before they could get legal status. There's also the John Cornyn amendment that says that the border would have to be secure before undocumented immigrants could get legal status. How do you know the border is secure? Cameras, motherfuckers, cameras up and down the border, one immense TV show. Oh, and a 90% rate of capturing and returning border jumpers. It's sort of like saying, "I'll let you into my house, but first you have to mow my lawn and blow me." That's unfair. It's way worse than that.

What's pissed off Hatch into backing away from the stiffing is that Reid has decided that Republicans can suck on their own filibuster procedures. Reid is requiring that all the amendments must reach the 60-vote threshold that Mitch McConnell has said is good for every other vote in the Senate. The GOP is trying to do a delicate pirouette on a pinhead with immigration reform: they have to pass it in some form or they'll have lost the Hispanic vote for a long ass time, but they have to make sure it's got some crazy in it or the Tea Party will hoot and holler about "Traitors" and then have another tedious tri-corner be-hatted protest and primary the Republicans with an inbred asshole who would be in a corner without pants and smoking bathtub meth if the teabaggers hadn't cleaned him up to run.

Yeah, they need this, but Reid has decided that bill doesn't need the needlessly cruel conditions and the bonus is that he gets to fuck with the Republicans. In objecting to ending debate on an amendment by Republican Chuck Grassley that's similar to Cornyn's, Reid said, "How many times have we heard the Republican Leader say on this floor and publicly that the new reality in the United States Senate is 60? So I just thought I was following the direction of the Republican Leader. I mean, this is what he said. That’s why we’re having 60 votes on virtually everything. And with this bill, with this bill, no one can in any way suggest this bill is not important and these amendments aren’t important." And his balls grew three sizes that day.

Grassley of Iowa lost his corn-filled shit over Reid's move: "There’s no reason, particularly in this first week, at the beginning of process, to be blocking our amendments with a 60-vote margin that’s required when you suppose a filibuster. Let’s start out with regular order." Then, the Senator who has joined in hundreds of filibusters in the last five years, really added, "This is a very provocative act."

So Reid hefted his balls, which reach this size only a couple of times a session, onto the lectern and said to Grassley, "Check out these balls. Are you not in awe of them, if only for today?" He added, "Provocative act? If my friend is so interested in regular order, why have we waited three months to go to conference on a budget, on a budget? That’s regular order. Now suddenly when it works to their advantage, I guess, they want to do away with the McConnell rule. What is the McConnell rule? 60 votes on everything." Reid gestured one more time at his balls before tucking them away.

Thus the most deliberative body in the world went on with its pissing match to legislation that most people support, with families, businesses and more waiting to see if it's going to be okay to finally come out of the shadows and join the nation they wish to openly be part of.

It was reported that Hatch waited in the cloakroom for Reid for some hours after, the time for a stiffing finally being right.