Conservatives Shouldn't Make Videos:
Rick Santorum is losing his shit. Between agreeing to be Mitt Romney's bitch and saying to a New York Times reporter, "Quit distorting my words. It's bullshit," it's pretty obvious that Santorum is in the desperate end days of his unlikely long run as the last non-Romney standing, or "Le Fin du Douche," as the French call him.

One of the things it has always been easy to admire (yes, admire) about Santorum is that the motherfucker may be crazy as a shit fight in a monkey house, but he believes what he's saying. He's all-in. If you're gonna base your candidacy on your belief that Satan wins if you don't, own that shit. And nothing says nutzoid like Santorum's latest video from his campaign, not a Super PAC, wherein he imagines the color-drained hellscape that America will become if Barack Obama wins a second term. Because apparently you can put anything after the President's last name, it's called, "Obamaville":



That's right. Obama will force your children off playgrounds and take away one of their shoes. Hot women with whore-red lips will tell you to be quiet. You and your spouse will have nothing to chop on the butcher block but a bowl of grapefruit. Grapefruit, goddamnit. Little girls will dress in rags and sit in wooden rooms. Doctors will have long lines, says the narrator, but somehow hospital beds will remain empty. And all of a sudden gasoline will have the ability to pierce your skull. Old people will sit or stand quietly, knowingly. TV will mix up Mahmoud Ahmadenijad with the President in showing us our "enemies." Wall Street executives will toast each other at expensive restaurants. Wait, what? Oh, yeah, that's right. Santorum is the populist in this race so he must support regulating Wall Street. Right? No, didn't think so.

There's a word for this video, one that Santorum himself used.

However, for sheer bugfuckery, no one can top Herman Cain's newest new thing and its new video. You gotta watch and then think that he was once the GOP frontrunner:



Yes, the little girl sets up the cute bunny for catapulting and death by exploding bullets shot by a man who looks like the despicable spawn of Paul Ryan and Stephen Colbert. Yes, that's Herman Cain standing on a cliff at the end, looking for all the world like a man who is about to dive into the chasm and end it.

What's it about? Oh, small business regulation or some such shit that the Chamber of Commerce is forcing everyone to believe. Cain, though, is like the John Waters of the internet ad. There is no place too low for him.