Newt Gingrich Wanks Himself Through the Campaign:
One day, when the history of this elections is written in some oh-so-insidery tome by Mark Halperin or whoever, the campaign of Newt Gingrich will go down as the most sustained public masturbation ever seen. Sure, everyone who runs for president does so at least partly out of ego, the hubris to think that one should lead a nation of 300 odd million people, but, agree or disagree, valiant or vile, one thing you could say about most of them is that they did actually place country above self. You see that in the mostly despicable Rick Santorum. And even though he doesn't have any idea why he believes it, you see it in Mitt Romney, whose campaign is some kind of sociopolitical demonstration of just how much money a thoroughly unlikeable person needs to spend in order to get a nomination.

Not Gingrich, though. Every time he speaks, every idea he utters, it is about the greater glorification of Newt first. If anyone should happen to benefit, well, that's just a collateral effect. It is about a nation that should only exist in his image. So, in the last couple of weeks, Gingrich has been whipping out his dick and jacking it every chance he can. A moonbase tourist destination that simply can't be built for any sane reason? Who cares? Pass the moisturizer and break out the Kleenex, 'cause this cock needs strokin'. It's what Gingrich does. He goes around blowing his load, saying shit that's either deranged and grandiose or pissy and cruel, like when he said that he wouldn't debate Obama with a moderator present. In what world is that gonna happen?

Check out his interview last night on Fox "news" with Sean "My Dwindling Audience of Shut-Ins and Crazy People Think I'm Awesome" Hannity. Here's Gingrich on the Keystone XL pipeline and his first day in office: "I would issue an executive order to build the Keystone pipeline as of that day. And I'm trying to communicate publicly so the people of Canada understand, you don't have to cut a deal with the Chinese. You don't have to go to pipeline across the Rockies. Give us until November, when we beat Obama, you'll have a chance to build that pipeline in January of 2013." You got that? Gingrich is presenting himself as believing that the Canadian government is listening to him and thinking, "Oh, well, of course Newt Gingrich is going to be elected. Fuck all the other plans. We'll just wait, eh?" Whether or not Gingrich actually thinks the Canadians give a happy monkey fuck what he has to say is beside the point. The point was to reach under his barrel-sized belly, grab his AAA battery prick, and yank away. Hannity loved it as Newt jizzed in his face, but that's Hannity, a right-wing cumgobbler of epic appetites.

Gingrich is especially happy when he gets to masturbate in front of live audiences. In Florida, Gingrich outright lied to an audience. He said to a madly cheering crowd who just loved getting sprayed with Newt chowder, "We just got word of a brand new poll that came out about an hour ago that says we're now tied 35-35." The poll was actually a week old. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that his attacks on Romney are as vicious as Romney's attacks on him as long as he can portray Romney as the villain. It doesn't matter as long as he can keep on masturbating. You can look on in horror and say, "Dude, stop it. Your penis is all raw and chafed and your balls have to hurt," and Gingrich won't care. He knows he's got one more spurt in there somewhere.

Meanwhile, the media, like teenagers with cell phone cameras filming a hobo with his pants around his ankles, jacking off on the subway, wants to keep the show going, all the way to the convention, as Gingrich has threatened. And it doesn't matter if he takes down the entire Republican party with him. Newt demands that you watch him as he gets keeps on masturbating. The eyes and the cheers keep him hard, keep him going until he comes again.

Well, at least we know how Callista keeps her hair so stiff.